


If You Don't Love You, I Will

by AfterTheTempest (orphan_account)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Disabled Character, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Dysphoria, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Misgendering, Nonbinary Character, Past Rape/Non-con, Queerplatonic Relationships, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm, Slurs, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:36:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2282013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/AfterTheTempest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His friends referred to him by his last name, Tucker, he hadn't picked a name that he liked yet. He had averagely rockin' hips and long hair. So he shaved it and raised his middle finger to the world. He kissed boys and he kissed girls and he kissed anyone else. He binded his chest and he shoved things in his pants to pretend something was there. He was the talk of the town and the school and one day he managed to crash land into the middle of David's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

David was in no way ready to react properly into running into someone at a school football game. The Homecoming game to be exact. The sun had sunk already and he was nervously walking around, he regretted quitting band for a full minute before he remember the stress it brought him. His memory wasn't always the most reliable. He did attend games for support though, even if all his other friends graduated and he was pretty alone. Either way though he had cheese all over his shirt and chips crunched under his shoes.

"Fuckin' shit, sorry man!" David raised his eyes to see who was talking, to see who he ran into. The voice was light and feminine but a shaved head and more masculine clothes led him to be slightly confused. So he assumed nothing and merely shrugged a bit.

"I wasn't really looking where I was going."

"Well let's go get you cleaned up." David had no chance to protest before the kid grabbed his arm and dragged him away towards the men's bathroom. He guessed it would be safe to assume the kid was a boy now so he rolled with it, but hell, what did he know. The kid seemed loud and bold enough to charge into either bathroom.

Soon David was shoved towards the sink and the kid was grabbing paper towels and wetting them before rubbing at the cheese on his shirt.

"Uh, so..I'm David?" He kept back a few nervous fidgets and let the kid clean his shirt. The harsh fluorescent lights reflected off the kid's glasses.

"My friends call me Tucker, everyone else calls me a freak. I'm a dude in case you were confused." Tucker flashed a smile, showing off damn near perfect teeth. David gave his own nervous smile, showing off his braces. Soon David's shirt was clean but a wet spot stained the front. He shifted awkwardly.

"Uh, okay? People call me a freak too..so we're on the same page?" David kicked at the ground a bit, eyes dropping to look at the blue tiles.

"Really? You seem normal enough?" Tucker prolonged the conversation and David nearly fled the bathroom but his feet felt stuck.

"I uh..well I used to date this uh, guy. And I wore..a dress once for a dance and I was really confident and.." David's face was bright red and he seemed to be shaking a bit.

"I bet you look great in a dress!" Tucker gave him a toothy grin and David nearly let out a soft, squeaking noise. The shorter teen patted his shoulder with a short laugh before he spun around and headed for the door. "Hey! We should talk again sometime! Sorry 'bout the nachos!"

Then he was gone, the door swung until it slowed to close once more. David's face was burning up and he scrambled to leave the bathroom, making a run for the parking lot. He passed a couple making out in their car and he swore it was two guys and his heart felt lodged in his throat but he couldn't be sure. It was dark. But hope was bubbling in him, he'd been so closed off from everyone at school. Maybe there were other people like him and he just hadn't noticed. When he reached his truck he flung open the door and got in, sitting in the driver's seat, face in hands. A shaky grin crossed his lips and his heart beat in his chest and it had been too quick for his liking looking back. He should have told Tucker to wait, but he didn't. 

So he just ended up going home and hurrying up to his room. He locked the door even if the house was silent, his mom gone at work. 

Quickly, he changed clothes until he was standing in front of his grimy mirror, kicking shirts around on the floor to get to it, a smaller size dress clung to his frame. He forced an awkward smile at himself and suddenly his braces didn't look too weird and the dress actually looked..good.

Then suddenly a sting hit him in the chest and he felt like he was collapsing in on himself. His breath came out in wheezes and he tugged at the dress, pulling it away from his skin because only one person said that to him. No one else would like him in a dress. No one else would even talk to him. The dress dropped onto the floor and it left David standing with a trembling body in just his boxers. The sight didn't do anything so he dropped to his knees. When he hit the carpet there was a low thump. He couldn't even have one night to himself and he was crying and wet spots were appearing on the carpet and he was shaking because he was not okay. And he gave himself one last look over in the mirror. He looked so small on the ground and his mouth was open, his breaths shook. Braces were awkward and clunky and the thin lines he traced over his upper arms with the razor he took from the lime green pencil sharpener added to his look. The look of a freak. His eyebrows creased because he was a freak and that was all he would ever be and his friends all graduated and he was standing now and he was hitting the mirror with pathetic punches as he grew weaker due to mental exhaustion. He fell asleep on the floor.

* * *

"David!"

 David was walking to his truck, a closed off expression adorned his face. The voice reached his ears and he froze, feeling to small suddenly and he felt eyes on him and the oversized hoodie he was wearing was just making everything suddenly too warm and not hiding him. His breath was starting to get shaky until he turned around to see Tucker standing in front of him. His breath calmed and he nearly collapsed in pure relief, he hated being called out. He hated being put on a pedestal. Usually he was put up in the spotlight to be made fun, at least he had been in the previous year.

"..Tucker?" David furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and Tucker just gave him a wide grin.

"So, it's Friday and my friends wanted to go out, but I was like hey, I can invite someone! And well, we're all going to the movies and dinner and just basically spending the day out away from home. We do it a lot..uh, ya know, we're like the queer crew with the not so accepting parents. It's fun, I swear." A nervous grin spread over Tucker's face and he let out a short laugh. But David merely floundered for an answer, he hadn't been out much since his friends headed to college, even when they were around he would worry and stay home. But this was an opportunity. He almost shut down, almost said no and went home but Tucker was smiling and he remembered the dress and he wanted to cry. He didn't though.

"Yeah..uh, yeah, I'd like that. Like..now? Or later?"

"Now if it's cool! Also could I ride with you? Doc and Donut are tagging along with Church and Caboose and Grif's car is really small and he has to fit Simmons' wheelchair in it."

"Sure, just tell me where the movie theater is and we're good?" David briefly thought about calling his mom. But she was working. He didn't want to bother her. So he got in the car and just gave a content sigh that there was finally someone in the passenger seat again, even if Tucker messed with the radio. York used to do that too. Shrugging off his thoughts he listened to Tucker's directions in between anecdotes about his friends as he gave David a heads up over all of them.

"I'll introduce you in person but once you know who they are there's like some..unspoken things? Like Simmons uses they pronouns. Donut uses ze pronouns. I'll run that by you again later though. Don't assume Doc and Donut are dating, they aren't. They're both aromantic. Um, Grif and Simmons are dating though. Once we all meet up I'll have them introduce themselves."

David merely nodded as he drove towards the theater. His head felt thick with thought. Different pronouns? Those were a thing? He was also confused about the term aromantic. He made a mental note to look up these things later. His interest had been peaked and he was half tempted to ask Tucker what they meant right then but he held back, mouth going dry in a moment of panic. So he merely parked the car once he arrived at the theater and saw Tucker's friends instantly, a chubbier man was helping someone into a wheelchair. Grif and Simmons? Another person stood by them, bickering with a smiling teen. Two more teens stood by them, holding hands. One appeared to be..a boy in a skirt? David's chest tightened as he was led over by Tucker.

"Hey guys, say hi to David! Mr. new guy of the group!" Tucker grinned and David gave a shy wave.

"I'm Grif," the chubby man said once the whole wheelchair situation was settled.

"I'm Simmons. I don't know if Tucker mentioned it but I use they, them, their, pronouns. Not like he, him, his." Simmons sat up in the wheelchair a bit, the teen appeared to be missing a leg. They seemed a bit nervous sharing the info, blushing a bit.

David nodded, trying to remember.

"I'm Donut!" The one in the skirt spoke up. "I use ze, zir, zirs instead of he, him, his! It's okay if you don't remember it right away, it is a little different." Ze chuckled lightly and the teen standing next to zir squeezed zirs hand, smiling.

"I'm Doc." The one holding Donut's hand spoke up, smiling. "I don't have a cool pronoun." A grin appeared on his face and he laughed a little.

"I'm Caboose!" The smiling teen spoke up. He looked to be of an Asian ethnicity.

"And I'm Church." The grumpier teen next to him introduced himself.

David noted that Caboose and Donut both had braces too and so did Simmons. So he wasn't the only one. Tucker, Simmons, Church, and Doc were all wearing glasses too. Grif had tanner skin, Doc and Donut did too, although Doc's skin was darker. Tucker was also black, to put it in the simplest terms. Either way, David was glad to have found a pretty diverse group. It was..kinda cool. And he wasn't the only one of Asian ethnicity either! Well, he was only half, on his father's side, but still. A grin made its way onto his face as they all headed inside. Maybe he could do the whole 'friend' thing again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, at times Wash is a little ignorant. He doesn't know much about lgbt+ and like yeah clothes shouldn't be gendered but he may gender clothes and accidentally misgender people. But I just wanted to put it out they're I'm not trying to seem ignorant as the writer, Wash however is ignorant, just saying, just in case. This is a story about someone who was born and raised a guy, told that sex means love, and told you can't wear that it's for girls. It's a story about someone who finds out who they really are and is confused for a while before accepting it. So, uh, yeah, just throwing that out there! Also I'm not going to be writing it in as much so I don't do it wrong but someone is going to be bipolar. I know it's not fun to have but people are affected by it and fics never really include things that actually affect people. Caboose and Church are also both biromantic, caboose is also asexual. I know biromantics/sexuals get biphobia and little representation, this ones for you guys. Lack of representation sucks, I know.

The movie was well, mediocre. The romantic subplot had surfaced to be the entire plot and the whole group was pretty much pissed at the fact. The story could have been good but it focused on a forced in romance that didn't come natural. There were also two sex scenes. David curled his lip at that, they were pointless. Tucker made a short sex related joke at one point but by the end his jokes slowed down as he just ended up as mad as everyone else.

So they went bowling. David offered to push Simmons' wheelchair to Grif's car, the chubby teen let him. After everyone helped out a bit with getting Simmons' all situated. David soon realized their remaining leg was weak due to lack of use and they could barely support themselves with it, hence the wheelchair. After that the group split up to get into their cars and Tucker was turning up the radio in his truck again and yelling directions over rap lyrics.

By the time he parked David was laughing at the way Tucker comically danced in his seat, spitting out a chuckle himself. It was already six and the sun was starting to lower in the sky as they all headed into the bowling alley. David tried to keep his heart light but he couldn't stop thinking about what he had heard today about different pronouns. And his respect for Donut was pretty high, even if he wouldn't say so. Seeing someone who wasn't a well..girl, in a girly outfit made his chest tighten and his heart soar. Because maybe he was like that. Maybe he would use different pronouns. Well. Maybe not. He was a dude..right? What else was there besides girl? Wouldn't he already have known if he was different? His head was spinning and they were getting two lanes and shoes and bowling balls. David focused on keeping his breathing calm. He was in a lane with Tucker, Caboose, and Church. The others were in the other lane. Caboose got a slice of pizza. Tucker was putting names in the machine. Church was trying to prove he could lift the heavier bowling ball Caboose picked out without help.

A smile managed to shakily find his lips. He bowled a spare on his first roll. Tucker smiled at him and then rolled a strike. David put on a pout and they were all laughing. 

Donut danced around when it wasn't zirs turn, twirling in the skirt. Tucker clapped and laughed as Caboose cheered. They all rolled Simmons around, running as they pushed the wheelchair once they all ended their games and were in the dimly lit parking lot. Grif laughed as Simmons got red faced over their surprised shriek from the speed they were pushed at. Caboose raced against David. They carried Church and Tucker on their backs respectively. 

At 9:30 Tucker invited him over to his place for a big sleepover with all of them. David nearly said yes before he remembered he had to be home when his mom got off work. Which should be around 11. Tucker just smiled and said next time before managing to squeeze in to get a ride with Church, Caboose, Donut, and Doc. David waved, watching the two cars drive off before he hopped into his truck. He left Tucker's station on but turned it down.

* * *

David opened the door to a barrage of shouts. His mother was in front of him. It wasn't 11. He swore tears were on her cheeks and he recoiled from the spittle. David was the taller but he shrunk a bit in fear, he'd never heard his mother yell like this. The words rolled together and he could barely make out the where were yous from the how could you scare me like this. Apologies spilled out of his mouth and he flinched from her words. They were more angry then concerned, holding ugly, jagged angles to them that cut him down as he heard them. Breaths rushed in and out of his chest and she was ordering him to his room.

To think about what he'd done.

David sat on his bed. His leg bounced quickly. The door was locked. His mom was in bed. The light in his room was on and his cat pawed at his closed door. His eyes were trained on his feet, his socks were old, slightly grass stained. The dress was bunched up like every other piece of clothing on his floor. In thirty minutes he was stripped of his shirt, holding a towel to the four thin, red lines on his upper arm. His leg was bouncing faster, the damp towel was cold against his too warm skin. The fan was on. Tomorrow was Saturday. He wouldn't see Tucker or anyone until Monday. His breaths shook and tears dripped onto his knees. He curled his toes and bit his lip, chewing at it until it split.

Licking at the blood he glanced at his calendar. October. It was the..tenth? How many months was it until graduation? Seven, eight? Thoughts of college hit him and he flopped back onto his bed, still holding the towel. Maybe he should go by bandages so he stopped using towels. It had been two years..? Three years? Either way it had been years since what had happened. He couldn't even bring himself to think of it.

David was shaking and shaking his head too because he couldn't stop thinking about it and he couldn't bring himself to think about it all at the same time. He let out shuddering breaths. He dropped the towel and started to pace around. His knees shook and he bit at his thumb.

* * *

The weekend passed easy. David stayed upstairs until his mom left. He'd eat and then before she got home he'd return to his room, he didn't dare leave the house.

School on Monday was atrocious though. David woke up tired and had a hard time driving to school. He walked inside with his backpack seeming too heavy on his back. He was early, he always was. So he took his seat, the cafeteria was right inside the doors basically, giving a great place to sit before school started. It was thirty minutes until the first bell and he didn't even get a chance to take his book out before Tucker dropped into the seat next to him, heaving a heavy sigh.

"Good morning, David!" The teen flashed him a sleepy smile and David thought back to what happened on Friday. He then remembered his forgotten questions. He decided to start slow.

"Hey Tucker, what does aromantic mean?" 

Tucker paused, as if thinking for a short moment before he turned to face David more, his grin pulled a bit wider as he gave David a pat on the shoulder.

"Well, basically it means you don't feel romantic attraction."

"So Doc and Donut don't..like people?"

"Nope! Well, romantically at least. They like each other platonically a lot! So they're in a queerplatonic relationship. It's like..a friendship but more intense. It depends on the people, sometimes you kiss or hold hands or have sex or whatever. Sometimes you just play video games!" Tucker chuckled lightly. "But Doc and Donut keep it simple, they're both asexual, actually too. Caboose is too."

"Asexual?"

"Yeah, it means you just don't like..have a sex drive. Like maybe sex grosses you out, or you just don't like it. Some asexuals still have sex though, and like it, it depends, some even..well touch themselves, some don't. Like sometimes an aromantic may date, or not."

"Really?" David perked up slightly and his stomach twisted. He told himself not to instantly assign himself that word though. He had liked sex before then he just didn't..did that still count? He bit the inside of his cheek.

"There's also grey-romantic and gray-asexual! They're like in between."

"So like..sometimes?"

"Yeah really. And that's not even the surface of sexuality." Tucker smiled a bit and rested his chin on his hand.

"What else is there?"

"Well. How about we start simple. There are like..two parts to sexuality, right? Romantic and sexual preference. Like you might wanna date boys and girls but only have sex with dudes. Or whatever. If you really want to hear all about them in detail I suggest you talk to Donut, ze knows a lot about sexuality!"

* * *

At lunch David found himself sitting next to Donut. Doc sat on zirs other side.

"So sexuality eh? You said you talked to Tucker, what did he already tell you."

"He told me about aromantic and asexual and the difference between romantic and sexual." David twitched his fingers, feeling a bit nervous about asking so many questions. He honestly didn't know much other than straight and gay. And he'd always said he was gay, it was just hitting him that maybe he really wasn't. Because there was so much more than that.

"Well, let's start with the basics. Heterosexual or heteroromantic. You like someone opposite gender of you." Donut threw in that maybe they could cover gender later. David nodded. "And them homosexual or homoromantic, you like the same gender."

"Yeah.." David poke quietly, nodding.

"There's also bi. You like two. And poly means you like many genders." David merely nodded. "Pan means you like all genders. I mean, there's so much more, but thats basically the main ones. Then people can also be attracted to a masculine looking person or feminine looking person. Or you can be attracted to certain body parts."

"And demiromantic or demisexual! That's where you only like or have sex with someone you hold an emotional connection with!" Doc smiled softly at David as he poked his head in.

"Wow..uh. That's.." David paused and Donut merely grinned at him.

"Yeah, just wait until you wanna hear about genders! I think Simmons and maybe even Caboose would be good to talk to about that."

David just nodded. The words swam in his head and he took slow bites of his lunch. He knew two terms he'd heard that day that were clinging to his insides and he couldn't shake them off. He ignored them. He was going to be eighteen soon. I mean, wouldn't he already know if he was whateversexual? David had always been sure he was strictly gay, he'd been teased enough times, told his crush on Connie was him trying to be straight. So he wasn't bisexual, right? And he'd had sex before..so was he really asexual? He felt sick and nearly cheered when the bell rang. He rushed off to class. He knew he shared this class with Tucker. Maybe talking to him would make him quit thinking about all these words so much.

But they clung to his bones and tried to fight their way in. The word asexual had brought a clarity to his life that he didn't even realize so he tried to ignore it. But all the romantics prodded at him. Biromantic? Demiromantic? 

Soon he was in class and sitting in his seat and Tucker was already in class, grinning at him from the next desk over. He gave a shaky smile back.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Class dragged on and every so often Tucker would throw David a glance. He looked annoyed, rolling his eyes and pulling a sort of grimace. David bit back a chuckle as the expressions started to grow more intense. Thankfully the teaching part of class was wrapped up five minutes before the bell, Tucker instantly turned to David.

"Hey, you have a phone right? You should give me your number so I can text you about plans. If you have an iPhone we can toss you in our group chat." Tucker talked as he shoved his notebook into his backpack. David cringed a bit, just knowing some pages were bent.

"Yeah, uh yeah, I have an iPhone. I don't have it on me right now. I usually leave it at home.." David gave a sheepish smile and just entered his number into Tucker's phone as it was shoved into his hands. As Tucker took his phone back he quickly snapped a blurry picture of David, saying he needed one so it was easy to tell who was who in group chat. In the picture David's cheeks were just barely tinted pink and he looked thin as hell in his sweatshirt.

Tucker assured him he still looked great.

* * *

When David got him he did not expect a text that wasn't from Tucker or the others.

**North**

_(2:35 pm) Hey, Wash!! Me and York are visiting today!_

_(2:40 pm) Did you leave your phone at home again? :P Text us when you get home!!_

 

**York**

_(3:01 pm) ayy wash. me and north r gonna be there soon. ur mom isnt home right?? ???????until late_

_(3:01 pm) we r gonna show up at 3:30 ok_

He didn't know what to think. Well either way there were..visiting? David had no idea why. Things had always been weird between the three. After what well..happened North and York babied him. They pampered him but in reality nothing was really better. North and York were dating on and off, Carolina was sometimes in the equation. David wasn't sure how he would end up breathing heavy in between his two friends nearly every Thursday night.

It was edging closer to 3:30 so David frantically picked up his room, well, threw his clothes into a larger pile in the corner.

York walked in with a case of beer. North took one as soon as they were inside. David did not remember North ever drinking. But in under five minutes they chatted casually as they headed upstairs to David's room. Lips were pressed to his shoulders and forehead as his clothes were pulled off. North pressed light kisses to David's aching arms. Nothing was said until York told David to get that one skirt.

Two hours later David was sitting on the edge of his bed. He let it happen again. He wasn't wearing a shirt. All he had on was a short skirt he'd never worn outside of his room. He just sat there. They visited him for that. They didn't even stay for the night. Anger boiled in his chest and he didn't know whether to cry or yell. They were in town and they only came to see him for sexual pleasure? His stomach rolled because this time around it hadn't even been as..nice. He didn't really want it to lead to sex. It wasn't bad but..he just wasn't excited for it. He reached for his phone with a shaking hand remembering he had Tucker's number. 

David stared at the screen for three minutes before he called Tucker. His room was a bit cold and he shivered slightly, bouncing his leg lightly until Tucker picked up.

"Hey David, what's up."

"Uh..hey, Tucker.." David stumbled over his words, quickly losing confidence. His chest felt tight. "Um, my old friends visited..and I just.." 

"You okay?" 

David's breaths were becoming shorter as his eyes filled with tears.

"Yeah, yeah. I was just..talking to them, yeah. And one of them said..said he might be asexual. How would he know if he was..?" His foot tapped quickly, patience dwindling, nerves growing.

"Well..it's kind of for them to decide. You don't need labels, you can just use them if they sound right."

"But he's had..sex before and he told me that..that he thinks he doesn't really count as one." The word was even hard to choke out without collapsing in on himself.

"You sure everything's okay?"

"Just answer me, Tucker!" David snapped, he felt his tears drip onto his lips and he gnawed at his lip. The tears brought a salty taste to his lips.

"David, you can still be asexual if you've had sex. Donut, for example, used to have a lot of sex, but now Donut is asexual because now, ze realizes that sex just isn't something there is a drive for. Doc never had sex and just thinks it's gross. Caboose just doesn't feel sexual attraction and hasn't even had his first kiss. It varies so much. But they're all real asexuals. Because you don't need to fit requirements to be a real asexual. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. He just..he just was wondering because he doesn't really like sex at all anymore. He..uh..had sex recently but just didn't..want to do it." David's face heated up, just saying the word made him fidget a bit.

"I mean, it still counts. If he just doesn't really want to have sex, doesn't find it really enjoyable or doesn't see it as something he wants to do, it counts. You don't need some special requirement to be ace. If you want more go talk to Doc or Donut. Or hell, even Caboose. I'm not ace so you know I'm not the best source, but hey."

"Uh, thanks. Okay, I'll talk to my friend."

"See you, David."

David hung up the phone afterwards. It slipped from his fingers, a dull thump sounded as it his the mattress. He took a shuddering breath and rubbed his hand over his face. Standing on shaky legs he slid out of the skirt, grabbing his phone and some clothes off his floor. Messily, he set the pile on the bathroom counter and stepped in the shower. He wriggled his toe a bit before starting the water. He took a cold shower, the water slid down his back which only resulted in him shivering.

* * *

"Morning David." Tucker's smile was too bright for 7:35 am. 

They were sitting around again, waiting for school to start. David was leaning his chin on his hand heavily, eyelids drooping sleepily. The previous night had been rough, he didn't go to sleep for hours, toying with the word asexual in his head for hours.

"Tucker?" David suddenly sat up a bit straighter, fingers nervously twitching. "Are you busy after school?"

"It's..Tuesday? Nope, nothing." 

"Do you wanna go somewhere maybe? Like, the two of us? I wanted to talk to you."

Tucker's eyebrows furrowed but he just gave a confused nod.

"Yeah, sure. Something wrong? Did something happen last night?"

"I'm fine. I just..need to talk to you, okay?"

"Yeah, we can go somewhere right after school. My parents work until eight so we can go to my place." It took a little effort for Tucker to hold back an eyebrow wriggle, it was in is nature. But he didn't give in, for David's sake.

"Yeah, uh, okay." David forced a small, tight smile.

Tucker bought the smile as genuine and grinned back.

* * *

School was quick. David fought to focus in his classes. He preached about a sore stomach to the nurses through gym class, he even prepared to find a way to fake throwing up just to not go to class. Surprisingly his faking got him through, they let him out of gym without even taking his temperature. Maybe it was because he was a senior and they just didn't really care.

Maybe it was because he look plain exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

Either way school was over quick and he was soon climbing into his truck with Tucker hopping into the passenger seat. It was still on his station. He turned up, a small smile crossed his lips. David started driving.

"Do you..mind if we just drive around instead..?" David's words were soft and barely over heard over the music. Tucker muted it and nodded. He was silent.

Neither said anything. Tucker squinted against the sun, high in the sky still. The windows were rolled down a bit, allowing the chilled, fall air into the car. They both shuddered. No one rolled up a window.

"Tucker..?" David took a deep breath. He was going to say it.  _I think I'm asexual. I think I'm asexual. I'm asexual._ "Is it..weird I like wearing..girl clothes?"

"No, not really. Anyone can wear whatever clothes they want. Boys can wear dresses or skirts."

David's hands were tight on the steering wheel. His jaw was clenched, he internally beat himself up. Why couldn't he just say it? 

"But..sometimes I feel like I.. wanna be a girl? Like a little? So I can..wear dresses and stuff." His words were quiet and he swallowed thickly. Tucker was practically a stranger, why was he telling him all this?

"Maybe you aren't fully male then. There's more than boy and girl." Tucker leaned back, closing his eyes. David glanced at him, noticing how the sunlight fell in through the window, lighting up his round cheeks.

"Like what?"

"God, there's so many." Tucker let out a tired laugh. "I suggest you hit Simmons up about a gender talk. They know the most."

"Okay I'll talk to him. Ah, fuck, them. Sorry." David groaned as he rubbed at his face quickly with one hand.

"It's okay, people mess up."

"Yeah."

That was all he said. Nothing more was said between them. They both sat in silence as David just drove. He drove and drove until it was seven. The sky was darker and he turned to Tucker. Without him having to ask Tucker started to give him directions to his house. 

When he parked and Tucker unbuckled they both paused, making eye contact for a moment. Tucker gave him a small smile as he hopped out of the truck. David gave a tired smile back. The wind was gentle and the air was cold flowing through the open truck door. The light outside Tucker's family's garage was kind of orange and it seemed to bright against the night. But the light fell over Tucker's face nicely and David's smile was genuine.

"Night, Tucker."

"Night, David."

David found himself wanting to really form a friendship with Tucker and his friends. He wanted to have that, but this time it would be better, without all the drama. Without the fighting and the lying. Without being used and cheated on and being practically passed around and pushed around.

He had under a year to do it. But for once he did believe in himself. If only a little.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Made Wash's last name Washington. Why not? I mean?

The week flew by, actually. By Friday David had nervously corresponded with Simmons, nervously asking what else there was besides boy or girl. He did it though, dead set on making friends, even if it had been, admittedly, awkward for a bit. The talk was anything but brief, held over an early dinner at McDonald's. Grif had two burgers and a shake as well as picking at Simmons' fries. David had gotten a McFlurry.

"So basically there are countless genders, right?" Simmons pulled up a list on their phone. "I mean, I found a list here so we can talk about these for now."

"Okay, cool."

"Before I talk for three hours I guess I'll start with saying gender identity can range so much. And you may change how you identify as you learn about yourself. Also gender expression is different. So if you're a boy you can dress in..traditionally 'girly' clothes and not be any less a boy."

Grif bit into his burger, paying no mind to the conversation. Honestly, David believed he probably already heard it.

"Okay, it's alphabetical so. We have agender first, which I am. It basically means you feel like you're no gender. Next is androgynous. That's like a mix between male and female, in basic terms. The next one is bigender. That's pretty much like you have both genders inside you, it can be in a few ways. You can move between them or whatever. It depends."

David nodded, curling his lip when the ice cream made his teeth cold.

"Nonbianry is kind of like less specific. You're just not in the binary, not a boy or girl. You can be more masculine or feminine."

The talk went on. David latched on to a few words in specific.

_"A demiguy is like you feel kind of like a guy, but not fully. Like only..kinda guy."_

_"Genderfluid is like when you kind of flow through genders. One minute you may feel like one thing, another minute you may feel like something else."_

_"Epicene is like..having characteristics of both male and female pretty much."_

Grif had finished his food as well as Simmons' fries.

"So you can look up gender identities if you want to know more-"

"Actually, I don't get internet access at home..I also have limited phone data." David gave a nervous smile. "That's why I wanted to talk to you, but you did a good job summing things up. I'll come to you again if I need to ask you about anything else."

"Oh, yeah, that's cool. I'm never really busy, unless Grif is making me go somewhere." Soon Simmons and Grif said their goodbyes to David before they left.

David took his time. Throwing away his garbage before he took his leave, getting in his truck and driving home. The sun was dropping lower in the sky and when he parked he stood outside for a moment. The air was cold around him, despite the fact he was in a hoodie he still shuddered slightly. His phone went off and he jumped a bit, a small squeak came from him before he blushed sheepishly, answering his phone.

"Hey, Tucker. What's up?" David walked inside, dropping his keys on the kitchen counter.

"You busy tomorrow? We're all going out since we didn't today. Everyone is also saying at my place for the night too."

"Uh, that sounds...kinda fun actually. I'll see if I can. What time are you guys leaving?"

"We wanna get there at like four? I'll call you again. See ya!"

"Bye." David hung up with a small smile on his face. He didn't ask where they were going. For once the thought of a surprised twisted his stomach in a good way. He pocketed his phone, grinning a bit as he started on homework. He could've waited to do it Sunday. But hell, he had grades to keep up.

So he poured himself a glass of water and sat down, getting to work. Math homework didn't complete itself, in a sad turn of events.

* * *

It was four pm on Saturday. David was being dragged along by Tucker as the whole gang went up to the building. Donut was skipping along excitedly, holding Doc's hand tight. Caboose hopped up and down, a wide grin showed off his braces. David groaned.

"But I can't rollerskate!" David whined pathetically as they all went inside. Soon they were paying to get in and everyone was getting their right sizes for skates. Tucker rolled his eyes and soon they all had their skates laced up, save for Grif and Simmons. Simmons didn't mind not participating, Grif didn't mind either, using his significant other as a way to get out of skating. They shared a too red smoothie, staining their tongues.

"Come on, it's not that hard!" Donut grinned, going right out to the skating area, ze didn't even stumble, starting to skate around the ring in a large circle. Wheels clacked against the wood. The place was actually empty. Save for a few people not skating but rather hanging around, having just finished skating. The place wasn't terribly popular.

"Easy for you to say!" David whined lowly, grabbing tightly to Caboose's arm as they made their way to the rink. Church made a ruckus as he tried to stand up, rolling all over. Caboose laughed and skated over a bit clumsily, grabbing his friend's arm as he pulled him along, following after Donut. 

"You just gotta get the hang of it!" Caboose laughed a bit, barely tumbling as he rolled around. Church scrambled after him, throwing his hands out in front of himself as he tumbled to the ground. Caboose squeaked out a laugh and Church glared at him, struggling to get up and follow after him. It wasn't much of a chase.

"Look, even I can do it." Tucker rolled over to where David stood stationary, not moving resulted in not wobbling. Doc was clinging to the wall nearby.

"Oh, shut up." David frowned and took a tentative step. Tucker never laughed harder then when David instantly went down, letting out a shriek as he did.

"Oh my fucking god, dude! You lasted two seconds." Tucker wheezed out a laugh. Donut chuckled as ze skated by and Caboose grinned. Grif and Simmons even laughed, it wasn't hard to hear everyone raising their voices.

"Shut up." David huffed, giving a slight pout and he struggled to his feet. He was barely able to move two feet before he fell back on his ass. Tucker laughed so hard he fell himself. David had to admit that he did notice how attractive Tucker was. And he also admitted he hated the fact he felt his stomach twist. He didn't want to develop a crush, he didn't even know the kid that well. But he was going to.

So, he guessed it was okay to notice the way the harsh, fluorescent lights reflected off the ground and how they fell over Tucker's face, the way his eyes crinkled up as he squeezed them shut, laughter shaking his chest. His lips were pulled back in a smile and he wheezed a bit through his laughs. 

David smiled.

* * *

"Hey David?" Tucker sat down in their booth. They'd all gotten smoothies and pizza after they skated for a bit. Doc, Donut, and Grif were shoved in one side, Simmons' wheelchair was parked at the end of the table. Caboose, Church, David, and Tucker were crammed into the other side.

"Yeah?"

"What's your last name? It's kinda our thing for nicknames."

"Uh, okay, well it's actually Washington."

"Okay, you'll be Wash then."

Wash smiled slightly, fingers twitching. He didn't betray how that reminded him of his last..'friends'. It stung his chest but also made feel a bit more like a part of the group. Officially. His smile became a bit more genuine.

"Okay."

They smiled at each other for a few moments before grabbing slices of pizza. Soon every piece was snagged and thrown onto someone's plate. Doc had a honestly, gross looking salad while Simmons munched on some greasy fries. Grif had a hot dog alongside the pizza.

* * *

They said their goodbyes in the parking lot. Well sort of. Donut and Doc waved as they got into Doc's new car. It was tiny and purple and Wash wondered how anyone could sit in it comfortably. Church said goodbye as Caboose dragged him off to his pickup. Church drove even if it was Caboose's car. Grif and Simmons left as soon as Simmons was helped into their car. 

Wash and Tucker got into Wash's car. Too Tucker's disappointment the huge sleepover was canceled. Doc and Donut had planned some platonic date night while it was Grif and Simmons' anniversary. Caboose and Church were going to hang out with someone called Tex. But Wash was still coming over so Tucker wasn't too upset. He sang along with whatever song came on his station, Wash was surprised at his ability to memorize lyrics.

As soon as he parked Tucker went on about how his parents weren't home. Wash's stomach rolled because for a minute it honestly sounded like a bad porno intro. Either way though they went inside and Tucker made popcorn for them as Wash sifted through his games.

They settled on playing Mario Kart 8. Most of the time Tucker was laughing as he barely managed to hold first place from Wash's reach. Wash was mostly cursing as Tucker snagged the lead. This went on for two hours. Tucker was laying sort of sideways, moving nearly each minute. His legs ended up across Wash's lap as they continued to play. Both of them got progressively more comfortable.

Eventually both of them shifted, TV light falling over their faces. Tucker's shoulder pressed heavily against Wash's. They breathed out quiet laughs and dumb jokes as they raced. They weren't tired, more of a dull sleepiness washed over them. They were awake but very comfortable and warm and...

Tucker moved again, sitting up taller and looking over at Wash frequently. They stopped the game soon after that and Wash leaned against the arm of the sofa. Tucker got up to piss and put the empty popcorn bowl in the sink. As he walked back into the living room he paused looking at Wash. His eyes were closed but Tucker merely assumed he was still awake. His chest tightened a bit and he debated attempting to get laid. He wasn't sure if it would be worth it, but hey. It worked in movies.

It never occurred to him that Wash's possibly ace friend would be him avoiding coming out.

He leaned down a bit. Wash's lipped looked chapped but Tucker still leaned in a bit.

A lot of things could go wrong. He could lose their blossoming friendship. He could messed up a lot. But hell, he was kind of a shitty person at times. Kissing someone and jeopardizing a friendship for the slimmest chance to get laid was not the worst thing he'd ever done.

Wash's lips were warm and lot softer that he would have guessed.

 

 

 


End file.
